Summer sun slips Beneath a field of blue And with every star Comes memories of you Wind pushes through, Branches packed with leaves I'm lost in the view As each part of me grieves The moon shines bright, Bathing me in it's glow Lost in the night I wonder, do you know...
You may have noticed (or not), that I’ve fallen behind on my posting here. Last month was a very busy month for us. March starts with my husband’s birthday, less than 2 weeks later is our youngest daughter’s birthday, and exactly a week later is my birthday. It’s safe to say we’re pretty partied out over here. I still have a ‘party’ balloon pinned to the wall above my couch, a ‘happy birthday sign’ hanging across my living room window, and a balloon arch (yes I attempted this for the little one since we couldn’t really do a party this year I tried to go all out with decor) is still attached to my curtain rod. I’ll take them down, eventually.
In addition to the birthday madness, I’ve slipped back into working slightly longer days. My energy is easily directed at a TV screen right now, though I have also been gathering documents so that we can all go turn in passport applications this week. This has been something that I have wanted to get done for a long time and just never had the mental capacity to pull together and the funds at the same time. Passport fees for 2 adults and 2 children are not inconsequential, in case you were wondering. Needless to say, I’ve been otherwise occupied the last several weeks. I’m trying to get back into the swing of writing and being on here this week, I am also behind on my photography goals but I’m hoping that the nice weather this week will encourage me to jump on that as well.
I’m not sure if it was the fact that you couldn’t have done anything last year even if you wanted to, the extra time at home, or what- but I feel this need to do everything I possibly can this year. Getting out and taking pictures of my girls, going on day trips and weekend trips, camping, visiting friends & family we haven’t seen in forever, all of it. I feel this strong need to get out and live my life. I didn’t really feel any different after my birthday, people asked me how I felt being a year older. I didn’t think much of it, I felt the same. It’s been a couple weeks now, and I’m a little taken aback by the fact that I’m less than 3 years away from leaving the last decade of my life behind and starting an age with a new number. I feel like this decade has been sooooo long, and so many things have happened that I felt busy the entire time. It almost feels like now, 7 years in, I have the time and space to enjoy it. So that’s what I want to do.
I will try to be more regular on here, my goal is to post a writing twice a week and try to do a blog post at least once a month. All in all I think I’ve done fairly decent thus far. I have to really push myself some days to open the laptop and sit down with it, but I always feel better after I do. More relaxed, like I accomplished something and it’s not hanging over me anymore, and a little more free. Here’s to jumping back into that!
I, am tired.
When you get down to it, we’re all tired. The last year has pushed us and pulled us in so many different directions that it’s hard to know which way to go next at this point. Do I focus on work? Do I focus on projects at home? On hobbies? I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself and at the same time I find myself overwhelmed by all the things I could be doing, all the things I want to do. It’s this weird stale mate of sorts. Since I can’t seem to settle on one thing, I sit on my couch wrapped up in a blanket burrito. The weather keeps me inside, and inside I feel unable to focus.
People often forget that March has many rainy and overcast days, sprinkled with 70 degree spring days filled with sun. That those sunny days are the exception, not the rule. Today the sky is filled with heavy grey clouds that smother the sun and the stars and wait to release water upon the ground. I find it hard to have energy on these days even when I am not mentally exhausted. When I’m on the edge of a burnout, energy becomes something that I have to fight to pull out of myself. Simple things, stupid little things, like getting up to get a glass of ice water seems draining. Logically I know that this is ridiculous, but physically and mentally- I. Am. Tired. I don’t want to do dishes, I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to run errands, or think. I just want to reach some level of relaxation that will give me enough peace and happiness that I can carry it with me through the rest of me week. That level constantly evades me.
I think we all reach a point in the regular course of our lives, once a month, twice a year, once a week, etc., where everything going on in our lives builds to a point. Where something has to either lessen that build, that pressure, and bring it back down to a livable level. Or it just has to burst. Finding a way to manage things before a bursting point would be ideal, but I am not going to pretend that I have any idea how to do that or that I have any great words of advice on that subject. I find that for myself, physically walking out of situations or mentally boxing something up so that I can avoid that explosive moment. This isn’t always easy, and may not always feel possible, but it is something small I can do to keep more level. That being said, my mind feels very full these days. I feel like I am trying to remember so many things that inevitably there are things slipping through the cracks. I’m not sure what things, but I can feel that is is happening. Which just puts me in this place of anxiety that I don’t like to be in.
Anxiety is something that I think we are all more vocal about in today’s society, but somehow I don’t think that we understand it any more than we did before. We may be more accepting and understanding, but I think there are quite a large amount of us out there still trying to figure out what makes us tick, and what makes us stop working. I find that when I go through periods of high stress and anxiety, control becomes very important to me. Rules and structure and trust, become very important because I can’t control whatever is causing me anxiety or stress at the time. There are all these little things then, that I feel like I become hyper focused on, and I become very concerned about them being done correctly. This means at home if I ask for something to be done and it doesn’t happen I feel out of whack, and like I put trust in the fact that this thing, whatever it is, was going to be taken care of and that trust was misguided. Now that thing that wasn’t done becomes a stressor for me. At work it means that additional stressors (which will always come along), become increasingly difficult for me to accept. I just get to this point where logically I know that I need to shut it off and let things happen, but it’s like watching something you can’t turn away from. I know what I should do for my own sanity, but I am already so stressed and so anxious that I can’t let it go.
I am not a perfect person by any means. I work hard, I try to be well rounded (whatever that actually means for a working mother of two children in her 20’s), and I know that I do not always succeed at being the best mom, wife, or employee every day. I know (purely in retrospect) that I don’t always make the right choice between those roles. But, I try. I push myself so that on days like today, I get up ad I cook dinner. I get up and get myself a glass of water. I get up and I pick up my laptop and put some effort into this space I’ve created for myself here. And then, I get back into the blanket on my couch and watch my current Netflix documentary.
You feel, Like Home And- Like pain All at once
My lips are numb From speaking The same words Over and over My head pounds From trying To reason Again and again My heart aches From feeling So alone Day after day
I like to imagine A world changed Without glass ceilings A system, rearranged I like to imagine Our daughters freed, From limitations That held you and me I like to imagine These aren’t dreams And the world may be Better than it seems
I walked in Thinking I knew Where I was going I thought I would lead you There That I was right Each step in I went further Past Where I should be Turns out, I never knew I was lost too
Sunlight tipped My fingers Slipping through, Open space I couldn't Hold onto The sunlight New darkness Still follows Every ray, Snuffing out Leaving me Cold, alone Without light
She always walked
Caution, kept her
She never thought
That her words mattered
Nothing, held her
She found herself
Her life, shifted
Once she knew
For someone else
Creative Journal 2/18
I stare. At my hands, at the desk, at my reflection. I stare out the window and I wonder, where will I go? I stare, trapped where I am by myself. Trapped by comfort just as much as fear. What if I can’t come back, what if I don’t like where I go, what will happen then? So many desires seem so far out of my reach, and yet feel as if they’re just around the corner. If only I could see, just a little further ahead. Maybe that would give my feet the strength to move forward, my heart the courage to take risks, and my mind the bandwidth to take me there. I toy with the idea, like a child pushing the boundaries to see how far they can go. How many daydreams can I allow myself before I’m put back in my place?
Nothing worth having was ever easy, that’s been beaten into me over and over throughout my life. You work hard, you earn what you have, you stay realistic with your dreams. But I’ve always been a little bit stubborn even if I never let myself slip into complete self-indulgence. I want the dream. The whole thing. Not just a slice, not half, I want every bit. Then I pause, I think, does that make me ungrateful? Does that make me selfish or greedy? Maybe. Do I care? Unfortunately, I think I do. Then again, it’s not that what I have isn’t enough per se. It’s more that I know, I can do more. I can do more than stare down the things I want, the snippets of dreams that dance through my days. I can step out of the window, I just have to be ready to try.