I like to imagine A world changed Without glass ceilings A system, rearranged I like to imagine Our daughters freed, From limitations That held you and me I like to imagine These aren’t dreams And the world may be Better than it seems
I can be proud Of the steps I have taken And still wish That those footsteps Are not followed
Clearly by now if you follow this site you will have realized that I am not
consistent. I go through periods of consistency. Where the creative juices are
flowing and I channel them in the correct, productive way. In those periods I
can update content several times a week if I’m really on top of it. Then there
are long stretches of… nothing. That would be when I have too many balls in
there, and this one drops.
In the last handful of months I focused my energy on work and home. I
changed companies and started a new position, new schedule, new people, new
flow. That took a lot of adjusting to get used to. I also had to completely
reorganize my schedule at home, which meant a lot of puzzling things out. My
husband also started working again after a prolonged hiatus, thanks to the
pandemic, and there were some growing pains there as well. This month things
are slowly starting to even out again and a new rhythm is starting to emerge
out of all of the chaos that followed us through to the end of the year. Hopefully
that means I’m due for a period of consistency here.
I have done some writing here and there even though I haven’t shared
anything on here for a bit. For perspective, I started writing this post about
a week ago. Then my daughters had a very emotional evening and I had to step
away. Some days I just don’t have words in me, and even on days I do a lot of
the time I don’t have the space to get them out. I think this is why there’s so
much inconsistency in my presence here, my days are a lot of up and down.
Writing gives me the outlet I need when I need one, so I will keep coming back here when I have words to share. It just might take me a little while sometimes.
Hello! It’s been a few weeks since I shared some writings, and many months since I have made a blog post on here. I’ve been having a lot of stress in my life, it’s been increasing, I feel like I need to let it out, and this is my space. So here it goes.
I find that I have a mentality of ignoring my emotions, and ignoring myself in general. I am not sure if this is me thinking if I ignore it, it’s not a big deal, or if I think acknowledging that I’m not okay is a weakness. Whatever it stems from, I need to break that habit. I am a human, I have feelings, I should be allowed to have those feelings. Sometimes it can be a lot to support the emotions of those close to me, I don’t feel like I can have emotions myself because they need me to be strong. I have this strange thing, where I accept other people’s feelings and mental struggles, but I feel like I can’t have those myself. You know what, it’s exhausting. By trying not to have emotions, putting extra energy into ignoring how I feel, or pretending I’m okay, I am actually causing my mind and body more stress. I have been trying to retrain myself to find outlets to release those emotions in a healthier way. Instead of pushing myself to emotional outbursts, I am trying to put that frustrating energy into activities that calm my mind. For me, that can be writing, reading, putting on a familiar show and occupying my hands via embroidery or coloring- something visually artistic. This works well for me when I actually do it. Unfortunately, I have a habit of overthinking what I am doing, and then becoming overwhelmed and giving up before I even start.
I wanted to do embroidery because I did activities like that growing up, I found that using my hands to create something made me happy and feel a healthy satisfaction with myself. When I had everything I needed to begin that, I psyched myself out. I couldn’t trace the pattern nicely, I couldn’t get the stitch right, it didn’t look like the example, etc etc. Until I just stopped and it all sat there for months. I ended up speaking with a friend and my failed foray into embroidery came up. She gave me some great advice. She told me just to do it for fun, don’t worry about doing the right stitch, don’t worry about doing the pattern perfectly, just do it for fun. So I tried that. I’m so glad I did, because it was a relief to let those things go, and the action calmed my mind.
There are a lot of things I can’t control in my life, and that can be really hard for me to accept and manage. I like to think that I’m not alone in this, and other people out there understand how I feel. I’m trying to remind myself that out of all of the things I can’t control, there are parts of my life, or moments of time in my life, that I decide what to do with. I can lay in bed with that time and give in to being overwhelmed (and let’s be honest, sometimes I just need to let that happen), or I can put on a comforting show/playlist/podcast/book, and release some of the energy that has built up inside me. I am trying to push myself to do the latter more often than the former, and let myself be human but release those feelings in more productive ways. I am not great at it, I am constantly failing, but I keep reminding myself to try.
There are moments In my life Where I pause Because, I feel guilty For living Them Without, you
I want To remember- The sun's glow, The moon's shine, And the stars sparkle But it all seems... Insignificant Without your smile
Some of the happiest Days of my life Involve your light Some of the darkest Thoughts in my mind Were quelled by you And your voice still echoes In the small aches That move through me
There are days Where I move through Life, blissfully And there are days Where the contrast In my life Of before And after You Is starkly clear
I pray for A day Where I can Remember you Without pain Inside The deepest Part of my soul
The wind flows Through my hair The birds sing To my ears The sun shines On my face And I feel None of it Because I am lost In this world Without you And my heart Feels empty With you gone
There are moments where I wonder- When the shadows in your heart managed to pull you under And there are nights Where the feeling, of being suffocated- becomes overwhelming There are days When I wither... Because how, can I help you When I can't breathe either