I, am tired.
When you get down to it, we’re all tired. The last year has pushed us and pulled us in so many different directions that it’s hard to know which way to go next at this point. Do I focus on work? Do I focus on projects at home? On hobbies? I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself and at the same time I find myself overwhelmed by all the things I could be doing, all the things I want to do. It’s this weird stale mate of sorts. Since I can’t seem to settle on one thing, I sit on my couch wrapped up in a blanket burrito. The weather keeps me inside, and inside I feel unable to focus.
People often forget that March has many rainy and overcast days, sprinkled with 70 degree spring days filled with sun. That those sunny days are the exception, not the rule. Today the sky is filled with heavy grey clouds that smother the sun and the stars and wait to release water upon the ground. I find it hard to have energy on these days even when I am not mentally exhausted. When I’m on the edge of a burnout, energy becomes something that I have to fight to pull out of myself. Simple things, stupid little things, like getting up to get a glass of ice water seems draining. Logically I know that this is ridiculous, but physically and mentally- I. Am. Tired. I don’t want to do dishes, I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to run errands, or think. I just want to reach some level of relaxation that will give me enough peace and happiness that I can carry it with me through the rest of me week. That level constantly evades me.
I think we all reach a point in the regular course of our lives, once a month, twice a year, once a week, etc., where everything going on in our lives builds to a point. Where something has to either lessen that build, that pressure, and bring it back down to a livable level. Or it just has to burst. Finding a way to manage things before a bursting point would be ideal, but I am not going to pretend that I have any idea how to do that or that I have any great words of advice on that subject. I find that for myself, physically walking out of situations or mentally boxing something up so that I can avoid that explosive moment. This isn’t always easy, and may not always feel possible, but it is something small I can do to keep more level. That being said, my mind feels very full these days. I feel like I am trying to remember so many things that inevitably there are things slipping through the cracks. I’m not sure what things, but I can feel that is is happening. Which just puts me in this place of anxiety that I don’t like to be in.
Anxiety is something that I think we are all more vocal about in today’s society, but somehow I don’t think that we understand it any more than we did before. We may be more accepting and understanding, but I think there are quite a large amount of us out there still trying to figure out what makes us tick, and what makes us stop working. I find that when I go through periods of high stress and anxiety, control becomes very important to me. Rules and structure and trust, become very important because I can’t control whatever is causing me anxiety or stress at the time. There are all these little things then, that I feel like I become hyper focused on, and I become very concerned about them being done correctly. This means at home if I ask for something to be done and it doesn’t happen I feel out of whack, and like I put trust in the fact that this thing, whatever it is, was going to be taken care of and that trust was misguided. Now that thing that wasn’t done becomes a stressor for me. At work it means that additional stressors (which will always come along), become increasingly difficult for me to accept. I just get to this point where logically I know that I need to shut it off and let things happen, but it’s like watching something you can’t turn away from. I know what I should do for my own sanity, but I am already so stressed and so anxious that I can’t let it go.
I am not a perfect person by any means. I work hard, I try to be well rounded (whatever that actually means for a working mother of two children in her 20’s), and I know that I do not always succeed at being the best mom, wife, or employee every day. I know (purely in retrospect) that I don’t always make the right choice between those roles. But, I try. I push myself so that on days like today, I get up ad I cook dinner. I get up and get myself a glass of water. I get up and I pick up my laptop and put some effort into this space I’ve created for myself here. And then, I get back into the blanket on my couch and watch my current Netflix documentary.