Stare

Creative Journal 2/18

I stare. At my hands, at the desk, at my reflection. I stare out the window and I wonder, where will I go? I stare, trapped where I am by myself. Trapped by comfort just as much as fear. What if I can’t come back, what if I don’t like where I go, what will happen then? So many desires seem so far out of my reach, and yet feel as if they’re just around the corner. If only I could see, just a little further ahead. Maybe that would give my feet the strength to move forward, my heart the courage to take risks, and my mind the bandwidth to take me there. I toy with the idea, like a child pushing the boundaries to see how far they can go. How many daydreams can I allow myself before I’m put back in my place?

Nothing worth having was ever easy, that’s been beaten into me over and over throughout my life. You work hard, you earn what you have, you stay realistic with your dreams. But I’ve always been a little bit stubborn even if I never let myself slip into complete self-indulgence. I want the dream. The whole thing. Not just a slice, not half, I want every bit. Then I pause, I think, does that make me ungrateful? Does that make me selfish or greedy? Maybe. Do I care? Unfortunately, I think I do. Then again, it’s not that what I have isn’t enough per se. It’s more that I know, I can do more. I can do more than stare down the things I want, the snippets of dreams that dance through my days. I can step out of the window, I just have to be ready to try.